


My girlfriend is an evil gachatuber!

by TheRedScarf



Category: Gacha Life (Video Game)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Bad Jokes, Dark Jokes, F/F, Horror, It's all an inside joke, Nob is expelled, Please Don't Take This Seriously, Psychological Drama, Romantic Comedy, Sci-Fi, Yuri, sorry fam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-01 20:44:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20399809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRedScarf/pseuds/TheRedScarf
Summary: The epic romantic comedy story between Hilbert, a smug anime lesbian, and his gf Uguu who is an evil gachatuber who posts her friends' suffering online for a profit. Join us and read Hilbert's commentary as he goes through his daily life on gacha life with his friends. Along the way, they meet foes trying to ruin their day but it's the friends we made along the way that counts.





	1. Also known as the prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I work on this elaborate shitpost whenever I'm in one of THOSE moods so please, never take this seriously. Ever.

Hello there. My name is Hilbert and I’m somehow the protagonist of this crazy story. Why is that? Because I am now a smug anime lesbian light novel protag in love with my evil fujoshi gachatuber gf, Uguu. Sounds great, isn’t it? Indeed it is. Now I want to fuck me.  
Anyway, as I said, Uguu is an evil fujo who posts her progress on gacha life every day on YouTube, hence the title of gachatuber. She has several friends and acquaintances she talks to in gacha life. This includes the likes of QuasarK and Jewell, a tired NEET who also makes YouTube videos but they are unrelated to gacha who’s always being followed by this cute twink known for wearing a scarf and living under a rock. Inside of gacha life, they work together at the office with Vanil and OJ, a token gay rival character and a know-it-all narcissist who likes to break the fourth wall.  
Realistically, these guys should be the protagonists as the story centers mainly around them but Uguu is not their gf so that means I get to narrate everything with my witty commentary. The following story is an adventure sci-fi fantasy action romcom horror-thriller yuri anime so please enjoy the following if that sounds epic, exciting and redpilled.

** __Episode 0: Also known as the prologue__**

Eli woke up early in the morning to get ready for school in gacha life. After yawning and getting changed, she made her way down the stairs to find her two gay mothers, Cherry and Jewell, making her waffles. Of course, Cherry is the one cooking because Jewell can’t cook for shit.  
Eli was very happy to be eating waffles before the bus picked her up for school, and her mothers were pleased. Jewell was a hardworking writer and content creator on YouTube who tries to make analysis posts but never gets anything done, and whenever she does she happens to enrage /drg/ with whatever she puts out for being a femoid with opinions on the internet. On the other hand, Cherry was much more successful as a member of the gacha life police force alongside both Cherry and Jewell’s good friend and co-worker, Kaori, not to mention Cherry was significantly more beautiful and stylized. Despite this, Eli loves both of her mothers.  
“Are you going out today, Cherry?” Jewell asked.  
“Why yes, unfortunately,” Cherry answered, “I have another case to look into with Kaori today so you’ll have to spend today alone once again.”  
“It’s okay, I’m used to it” Jewell shrugged “Besides, I can just look for QuasarK and hang out with him again. Usually, interesting stuff happens whenever I’m around him in spite of how we do nothing.”  
At that moment, the bus rang and Eli had to leave. She gives a great cheer before heading off. Eventually, Cherry has to leave too after receiving a call asking her to come in early. Cherry picked up her nunchucks and went for the door.  
“A’ight” she called out “I’m boutta head out!”  
Her and Jewell waved at each other before Cherry exited the room. Then there was silence. With a sigh, Jewell decided to get ready to go out for the day, in hopes QuasarK would be around. 

Later that day, OJ was in the library section of the office, reading a book while getting a nice view out the giant window frame to see the town of gacha life they live in.  
“This place sucks” OJ judges.  
After hearing the sound of a door swinging open, OJ turns to see a very pretty face coated in turquoise, also known as Vanil. He gives an innocent wave to OJ to greet him before exiting the room and heading to his specific office. OJ follows after him.  
“Have you heard from the other two?” OJ asks.  
“Nope” Vanil shakes his head “but I feel like they’ll arrive eventually, as they always do, unless if they get into trouble.”  
“So you have no useful information, got it!” OJ remarks as he adjusts his monocle.  
The two of them sit by their desks and get their work done. OJ was a graphic designer both in this world and in the real world. Out of the four working at the office, he has the biggest income. Vanil and QuasarK are relatively tied for income and Jewell makes no money whatsoever because she’s a filthy NEET. Vanil gets support from his fans who are interested in his upcoming fangame as his payment. He also happens to have not released a single chapter just yet.  
“Oh, that’s nice” Vanil smiles.  
“Wait, what are you looking at?” OJ asks.  
“Uguu send me more art of my OCs and it looks nice” Vanil explains.  
“Wait, let me see” OJ requests, getting up from his chair “I want to judge it.”  
“No, didn’t you know?” Vanil jokes “Brits aren’t people and I don’t allow people looking at my stuff.”  
“Oh, fuck off” OJ reacts in a playful manner as he walks over to Vanil’s desk.  
This was the average day for them. They had a lot of playful banter and are on good terms.

Kaori arrives at the scene, finding Cherry rather quickly.  
“Ayy, what’s up?” she greeted, Cherry responding with a wave back as Kaori ran up to her.  
“It seems that Juicekicks is at it again” Cherry answered before pointing towards a building that is relatively fine, but a lot of people have been brought out and taken to the hospital. Kaori is horrified.  
“Wow, that looks awful” Kaori is astonished “and all knife wounds… May I ask who Juicekicks is?”  
“He is a game developer who hates any form of criticism for his game” Cherry gives a small profile on the guy “My knowledge on him comes from friends of mine so I don’t know everything, but he apparently attacked all these people for doing their job. That’s right, these victims are all critics who were hired to review his game.”  
“Ah, so it was a fangame too” Kaori sighs in understanding, as she looked up Juicekicks on her own phone “devs from that group are the worst. They think they’re gods who can’t receive feedback because their game isn’t official or entirely professional.”  
“This dev, in particular, believes they’re immune to feedback because their game is free” Cherry explains further.  
“God, that sucks” Kaori grimaces “I can’t wait until it’s our time to kick his ass.”  
Cherry gives Kaori a wink in agreement as she does a small pose with her nunchucks. Kaori responds by posing with her gun.  
“You two look stupid” says the random passerby.  
This made Cherry and Kaori very sad. 

You see, now, this is where I come in. Uguu invited me to play this game and I was looking through all the variety this game had to offer. Even though it wasn’t the most unlimited game, I appreciated the option to choose your gender as I didn’t want to be filthy fujobait. I would much rather be a smug anime waifu so that’s what I chose. Once I created my avatar and logged onto the game, I saw how awfully designed the hub world is. Seriously, it was generic. It was then that I was greeted by Uguu.  
“Hey there,” she smiled “how are you liking your stay?”  
“Wow, this place looks boring” I was very honest about my opinion.  
“Well, no shit” Uguu replied “this game was made for twelve-year-olds. We’re only on this thing for the memes known as this writing.”  
“That is true” I admitted.  
It was then we were approached by a mysterious but lovely being.  
“uwu” she said in a text box that showed up above her head. She didn’t have a voice.  
“That’s Nana-chan, your tour guide” Uguu explained the presence of this fine lady.  
She was coated in purple, dressed like a cute high school girl, had really long straight hair, her face resembled that of a cat and best of all, she had fidget spinners for hands. She was every incel’s wet dream. It was then I realized that this character was too perfect to be real. Nana-chan was actually a character made up by the users in this server in order to create the perfect waifu. She wasn’t being controlled by a significantly less attractive and/or adorable person flapping their arms across a keyboard. She was an AI.  
“owo” her text box went off.  
She sure didn’t like to speak much. However, her gestures implied she wanted me to follow her for the tour so I did.  
“Hey, wait for me” Uguu called out, naruto running after us.  
Despite how I was receiving a tour, she wanted to come along. I guess that’s cool.

This is where we meet the obvious Miku rip-off, Mezz. A cosplayer who likes to use nonsensical terms like “tea” and “mood” on twitter, her favorite platform. She is also Kaori’s girlfriend in this universe because every female has to be gay in gacha life. Is that an official rule in the lore? No. I just say that is the new rule.  
I would also like to say that they’re sisters but apparently, I’m not allowed to enforce “illegal morals” so fuck me, I guess.  
That aside, Mezz receives a text message while walking down the street. It was Vanil. He notes that he is live streaming soon enough with a fellow game dev so he was wondering if she would like to come in and watch. She texts back that she would like to and looks around. The area is crowded. She decides to head somewhere quieter and makes her way to the library before getting her earphones out.  
She was ready to enjoy the stream.   
_Text chat   
__Mezz: Hello!   
_ Vanil greeted her on the stream specifically once she entered the chat. The user Vanil was talking to was hidden. She presumed it was an anonymous call. The two dicussed their two games. You could tell that Vanil was getting a little more annoyed with the user in question. The voice kept going on about the same things about her game without talking about the plot or characters while Vanil was giving in depth bios and thematical discussion so Mezz didn’t blame his visible annoyance.  
__“If there’s anything I hate, it’s whenever people judge you for giving the characters the same identity in your game” __the voice claims __“Like, comes on. They’re my characters. I can do whatever the fuck I want with them.”   
__This caused Mezz to think of something. Obviously, since it was relevant, she felt the need to type it into the chat.   
_Mezz: But what about “floating in the air” by Juicekicks?   
__Mezz: That game is pretty terrible, especially in the writing department.   
_ __“Huh? That game was bad?”__ The voice awes in surprise, making it obvious they saw what Mezz wrote in chat __“I haven’t played it myself but I’ve heard nothing but great things about it. It just has to be a good game.”___   
Mezz: Agree to disagree then, I guess?   
_ __“Yeah, whatever, I guess” __the voice responded.  
The stream just continued after that. It didn’t seem too weird so Mezz just went on about her day and listened to the stream.

Vanil has just finished his stream and sighed.  
“Well, that guy was stressful” Vanil concluded.  
“Tell me about it” OJ commented “I was barely there but the few times I stopped by, my god that person seemed like a handful. It’s odd they obviously used a voice changer though. It’s almost like they don’t want to be known.”  
“Everyone has the right for privacy” Vanil spoke out in defense.  
“Hm, actually, I-” OJ was cut off.  
“We’re back” the voice of Jewell spoke up with QuasarK following beside her.  
“Oh, it took you two long enough to arrived” OJ snarked.  
“Hey NEET” Vanil smiled and waved “and hello there too, twink.”  
“Hello” QuasarK replied, taking no issue with being assigned his stereotype.  
“Sorry, we’re late” Jewell apologized “Apparently Juicekicks was it again. Kaori and Cherry told me everything.”  
“Oh, we were on the stream talking about that guy for a minute” Vanil looked up in surprise.  
“What did you say?” Jewell asked.  
“Not us” Vanil shook his head “Mezz mentioned the guy in the chat. Apparently, his game sucks.”  
QuasarK and Jewell stared at Vanil in mild concern.  
“What?” Vanil asked.  
“Juicekicks hates criticism and is going after anyone who doesn’t like his game” QuasarK clarified “Mezz could be in real danger.”  
“Finally” OJ joked.  
“Oh, come on. It can’t be that bad” Vanil assured, “It’s not like she’ll get stabbed or anything.”  
At that moment, Jewell’s phone went off.  
“Oh, hey Cherry” Jewell started mumbling on the phone with Cherry before hanging up and looking at the group, specifically at Vanil “Mezz has been stabbed.”  
“Oh, shit” Vanil’s optimism dropped.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Mezz is in the hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mezz is in the hospital and both QuasarK and Jewell must work together once again to avenge her attack from the evil Juicekicks, stay tuned for the epic conclusion to our first arc.

_Episode 1: Mezz is in the hospital _  
“I can’t believe Mezz is in the hospital” Jewell sighed.   
“I am in the hospital” Mezz sighed, as she was in the hospital.   
QuasarK and Jewell were searching through the place that Mezz was before Juicekicks attacked her: the mall. They were searching for clues to help their friend. She didn’t deserve such a fate. It was then that they were approached by Hilbert and Uguu. Oh wait, that’s me.   
“Oh, you guys” Uguu ran over to the group, with me following “are you worried about what happened to Mezz?”   
“Yeah, we’re investigating” Jewell answered.   
“No need to” Uguu shook her head “we know where Juicekicks went. We were here when Mezz was attacked.”   
“Oh, really?” QuasarK ran up to Uguu and cheered “that’s fantastic!”   
“Wait a second” Jewell questioned, “if you were there, wouldn’t you have been too worried for Mezz to know where he went?”   
“Uh, about that” I quickly spoke up to <strike>cover up</strike> clarify “we actually tried to go after Juicekicks to try and catch him. Unfortunately, we only got as far as to find where he’s been hiding as Nana-chan had told us we didn’t have to go any further.”   
“Oh, I see” Jewell lightly smiled.   
“Where did they go?” QuasarK asked, eager to help.   
“Here” Uguu handed over a map that went from here to Juicekick’s location.   
“Thank you so much” QuasarK smiled “we’ll be sure to put an end to all of this.”   
QuasarK and Jewell waved goodbye to go avenge Mezz’s attack.

QuasarK and Jewell arrive at the scene. Everything is quiet.   
“Do you really think Juicekicks is here?” QuasarK asks Jewell, searching around.   
“I’m not sure” Jewell replied, trying to spot anything in the dark “but I trust Hilbert and Uguu’s words. Also, if Nana-chan went around a place like the this when Juicekicks is about, we have to reassure her safety.”   
The area was a theatre with a bright red curtain on the golden stage. These two, however, were standing around the seats like morons instead of just looking behind the curtain since Juicekicks was clearly hiding there.   
“Mwahaha” Juicekicks giggles from behind the curtain “I can’t wait until they find me. Then I can show them a REAL show!”   
They never found him.

“Fuck this shit” Juicekicks grunted as he zoomed across the other side of the curtain to proudly announce himself “LOOKING for someone, m’lady and wife beater? Perhaps it is I?”   
“Juicekicks!” Jewell called.   
“Wife beater?” QuasarK questioned.   
Juicekicks proceeds to show he has taken Nana-chan hostage under his wing.   
“Oh no, he has Nana-chan!” QuasarK panics.   
“Are you alright, Nana-chan?” Jewell asks.   
A text box appears above Nana-chan’s head. “uwu” it says. Once again, nothing in Nana-chan’s vocabulary is of use.   
“Now that I have everyone’s attention, allow me to notify you all on my master plan” Juicekicks monologues “first, I’ll victim-blame Mezz, who is in the hospital, by exposing her chat on twitter. She’ll be compared to the likes of Balween for her offense to my name. Then the world will begin to praise my game more out of pity towards how awfully Mezz treated me. Then my game will sell better than the original series it was based on!”   
“Or, you know, you could just learn what the fuck criticism is and establish it’s good for improvement on your work?” Jewell suggested, “and if you don’t agree with the criticism, just respond like a normal-”   
“Silence, woman” Juicekicks interrupted “I know what I’m doing.”   
QuasarK and Jewell are worried about what Juicekicks could possibly do to Nana-chan. However, hope prevails.   
“It’s okay, everyone” calls out the heroic voice of Mezz, holding the gun of her girlfriend, Kaori “for it is I who has <strike>snuck out</strike> gotten released from the hospital early!”   
“Oh, shit” Juicekicks turns to Mezz in panic.   
*pew pew*   
Juicekicks is shot in the forehead.   
“Ow” this slightly immobilized him, he falls over and releases his grip on Nana-chan.   
“The waifu of gacha life has been saved!” QuasarK cheered, with Jewell clapping.   
An “uwu” text box appeared above a giggling Nana-chan’s head.   
At that moment, Vanil and OJ arrive at the scene with an epic entrance through the doors.   
“We heard everything” Vanil claims.   
“And this is all great and dandy, but” OJ speaks up “how did Mezz recover from her injuries so quickly? That doesn’t make much sense.”   
“Oh, it makes perfect sense” Mezz begins to explain “I haven’t recovered at all and right now, my ribs are collapsing from all the horrible pain I’m going through.”   
At this second, Mezz falls to the ground and passes out.

And so, the day was saved thanks to QuasarK, Jewell, OJ, and Vanil. Actually, no, it was really just Mezz if you think about it but whatever. That bitch spent 90% of the story in the hospital so she doesn’t count.   
The group returned to the office the next day like everything was normal once again. Vanil was checking up on Mezz as she says she’s recovering nicely in the hospital so she should be allowed out in just a few more days. On the other hand, Jewell is looking at an article confirming Juicekicks is behind bars with QuasarK watching over her shoulders. The article contains footage of Juicekicks’s confession to his crimes.   
__“I’ll kidnap a thousand children before I let this company die!” _  
_At that moment, OJ arrived with a twinkish figure which caused everyone to turn their heads.   
“Alrighty boys, this is our new member to the crew” OJ explains the newbie “and his name is Marth. He’ll be joining you all.”   
Marth was a very beautiful boy, despite his timid appearance which only made him better. Everyone looked happy to see him, Vanil in particular.   
“Why hello there, my love” Vanil greeted, much to everyone else’s surprise.

“And upload!” Uguu called out while fiddling with the keyboard on her computer.   
I was living with her on gacha life and had to question what she was doing. It turns out she uploaded everything that happened yesterday to YouTube with every footage she could find as she dragged me behind the scenes everywhere so she could post it online and get views.   
“So let me get this straight,” I ask her “you’re taking advantage of the suffering and perils your friends have faced and continue to face in order to make a profit instead of helping out yourself?”   
“Yes, why?” Uguu responds “It’s just a game, after all.”   
“Nothing, but…” I continue “It does make you sound like, a pretty evil gachatuber.”   
A laugh track played within my head. And now you see why I am the real protagonist of this crazy tale.

**Author's Note:**

> I did not proof-read this at all.


End file.
